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Slut-shamed to death for saying yes to sex, murdered for saying no


Trigger warming: extreme violence against women, discussion of murder, suicide, online bullying

As a sexologist, I’ve been writing and educating about sexual double standards for years; the age-old damned if you do, damned if you don’t predicament women face about their sexuality. If you have sex, you won’t be respected, but if you don’t have sex, you still won’t be respected. It’s an impossible paradox. This week, that paradox became deadly. This week women have died for saying yes to sex. And women have died for saying no.

First, earlier this week the story of Alyssa Funke broke. She said yes to sex. And she agreed to film it for other people to enjoy while masturbating, and was paid to do so. When her friends and the internet found out about her porn video, she was harassed so vehemently she committed suicide with a shotgun. She was slut-shamed to death. She’s dead because she said yes to sex, and people (mostly men) tormented her about this fact. They tormented her about her decision the have sex until the point that she believed being dead was a better scenario that dealing with the torment.


Even though she’s dead, men continue to tweet at her remarks that simultaneously shame her for saying yes to sex, relish her death, and delight in masturbating to her video. The tone I read over and over again was “She filmed herself having sex, so she deserved to die. I enjoyed watching her have sex, but she still deserved to die.”







If some men believe the death penalty should be the punishment women, and women alone, receive for saying yes to sex, they must believe that sex is the worst of crimes, and we should therefore say no to sex. But saying no to sex resulted in women’s deaths this week too. The double standard isn’t just damned if you do, damned if you don’t anymore. It’s dead if you do, dead if you don’t.

A man killed 6 people and wounded 7 others at the University of California Santa Barbara two days ago, shooting into a sorority house, as promised, as "retribution" that since puberty women have denied him the sex and attention that he thought he deserved for being a “gentleman”. Women said no to sex, and now women are dead.


Men began posting to twitter, Facebook, and Instagram that, well, these women got what they deserved. The tone I read over and over again was “This is what bitches get for denying the guy some pussy. He was a rich, good looking guy, and stuck up selfish prude sluts wouldn’t put out. Let this be a lesson to you ladies, the next time you refuse a man a blow job.”





It is open season on women. If he was black and he drove down the street killing people from his car window, he would have been labelled a “thug”. If he was middle eastern and struck fear into an entire town by murdering strangers as they walked down the street, he would have been labelled a “terrorist”. But he was an affluent, young, white man on a mission to murder women, so he’s just a depressed guy who understandably snapped after being rejected by women for too long.

So what can we do to stop this? We can refuse to participate in policing other people’s sexuality. We can call it out when we see others doing it.   We can petition the media to address the misogyny and sexual double standard when discussing these murders. We can talk about it- blog about it, post status updates about it, write school papers about it, talk to friends about it. When it happens online, we can report it.

But we have so much work to do. When I reported to twitter that people were still sending horrific messages to Alyssa Funke, calling her a “whore” and rejoicing in her suicide, twitter informed me that they will not investigate my complaint. Only the person being subjected to the harassment directly can file a report, they told me. Well, Alyssa can’t do that twitter. She’s dead.


You keep these kids ignorant and then suddenly they’re in a situation that they don’t even have the words for and they have no idea what to do,” she says. “They’re not taught how to ask for consent, how to give consent, how to revoke consent and stop mid-way through. They don’t know to use protection or to demand it if it’s absent, they don’t know this will spread STIs and pregnancy. They don’t know it’s not supposed to hurt. Can you believe that? So, so, so many people think that sex is supposed to hurt the partner with a vagina when they have sex for the first time. They think that’s just the way it is, that’s just how it goes. *That* is obscene to me. Enforced ignorance that inevitably results in physical and emotional damage, *that’s* obscenity.

Rich Goldstein asked me what I consider to be obscene in his article on my work, ‘Oh Joy Sex Toy’: The Internet’s Most Radical Sex-Fueled Comic Strip (via erikamoen)


do men have resting bitch faces as well or do they not have negative characteristics ascribed to them for putting on a neutral rather than a deliriously happy facial expression

(Source: theanunnakiconnection)

MASSACHUSETTS PEOPLE, please contact your rep in support of H1433, banning shackling prisoners during childbirth


If you do not know who your State Representative is visit: http://wheredoivotema.com/bal/MyElectionInfo.aspx

You can also call the Statehouse Switchboard to get directed to your State Representative - 617.722.2000

When you dial the number listed on your Rep’s website, you may still be put through to a switchboard. Ask for your rep, and you’ll be put through to one of their admins/interns.

Sample Script:
“Hello, my name is _______________, I am a constitutent of _________. I am calling to express my support for the bill preventing shackling of pregnant prisoners in Massachusetts, bill H1433. It is important that pregnant prisoners are treated with respect, know their rights, and are safe during pregnancy and child birth. Thank you.”

You may be asked for your phone number, which you can decline if you wish. My phone call took about 60 seconds.


C’mere, Tumblr, let me explain you a thing about trigger warnings with a really terrible metaphor.

Trigger warnings are kind of like weather reports. They won’t stop the storm from coming, but they can enable you to say “I need a raincoat today,” or “I should grab an umbrella,” or “I think I’ll hold off on running these errands til tomorrow,” or “I’d better go pick up some supplies in case the power goes out,” or even “I don’t mind getting wet but maybe I won’t wear that really thin white shirt.”

Trigger warnings don’t mean that storm automatically makes the weather unacceptable and something that should be avoided at all costs. For some people who’ve been in terrible meteorological disasters, it’s even empowering to face the eye of the storm and see others do the same. But for other people, the best thing they can do for their health is go to a shelter with some canned food and a transistor radio and wait it out. Even if it’s a good storm.

Just because you feel better dancing between the raindrops doesn’t mean that other people’s desire to avoid the lightning is invalid.

Most white feminists look at me disdainfully when I recount some of my choice violent moments. They are appalled, morally repelled by this unbecoming behavior. One even giggled, holding her breastbone ever so lightly and saying she’s not the violent type, blah blah blah. The messages are, 1) I’m educated and you’re not, 2) I’m upper class and you’re not, 3) I’m a feminist and you’re not (since her brand of feminism is equated with nonviolent moon-to-uterus symbiosis). My “men” can do the fighting, but I, gentle maiden, shan’t; the new feminism remaking a generation in the image of the suburban, wealthy, sophisticated, genetically genteel. No one protected me when a loved one cracked my head on a public street one might, not even the college educated Upper West Side white women strolling by pretending not to notice. I don’t like getting hit either, but what are you gonna do when someone grabs your tits? Meekly whisper you won’t stoop to your attackers level? and what level is that exactly? if that’s the way “women” react, how do we classify the elderly Filipinas on a subway train who, when Joe Dickwad grabbed my ass, congratulated me for whacking him as hard as I could, screaming obscenities, and chasing him - to his utter shock and dismay - through the station? They were the few who seemed to acknowledge, respect, and allow for “aggressive” forms of resistance instead of strapping on moral straightjackets for the nineties which we “women” must squeeze into. If that’s a woman, I’m not one. I am an animal who eats, sleeps, fucks, and fights voraciously.

Veena Cabreros-Sud, Kicking Ass (via queen-bloodmouth)


(one of the many reasons i reblog this every time i see it is b/c i think its really really important to challenge white/esps middle class white discourses on ~the true behaviors of woman~. Because I see it leveled in transmisogynistic ways and those ways effect everyone, but people who have had to fight to survive most of all, and in a very literal sense thats poor twoc. I’m really sick of surviving and behaving the same way other women around me have survived and behaved being shown as example of something other than life as a woman, and I’m absolutely 100% done with white and/or monied trans women doing that) 

(via cursed-object)

reblogging for commentary

(via effusionofbiopower)

In a class on anti-racism and justice work I took maybe four years ago, one woman tried to reframe someone’s comment and suggested to the group that we be careful to use I statements. The professor, who is white, asked what would happen if instead of saying things in the (sanctioned) white social worker voice, we said what we meant.

Mind blown.



but why not, you ask???? let me tell you

because tumblr saviour is fickle and tends to break or slow down when having too many things added to its blacklist.

if i have #food blocked, and you tag things with #tw food or #tw: food or #trigger warning: food or #blacklist: food or however, then i have to add all of those to the list for the same thing!! and if i only have 4 things to block that’s already 16 items on my blacklist!! wow

which will cause the posts to take longer to be blocked and cause detriment to the user.

how do we fix this??

by tagging with the blacklisted item first!

tagging things with #food tw and #food blacklist etc will catch all those posts with me only having #food blacklisted and takes just as much time!

it’s a way better and more efficient way of making things easier on folks with triggers or with things that upset or bother them! and it’d be real appreciated if put more into practice.

thank u

(Source: scoundreling)

Stress Kills: Economic Insecurity and Black Women's Maternal Health Outcomes

Hawai'i cops petition to continue to be allowed have sex with sex workers before making an arrest

Hawai’i lawmakers are considering removing an exemption that allows police officers in undercover operations to legally have sex with sex workers before arresting them. Cops are fighting this change in the law, insisting that it is imperative they catch people “in the act.”

Normal human beings are horrified.